At the airport, after you check-in, promplty report to the security check gate. While there, take off everything that could possibally set off the metal detector, and promply go thru the detector. Usually these people forget to take thier belt or have some keys in thier pocket. don't make that mistake!
When you get to your gate, harrass the woman at the counter by asking what time boarding will began. When you see lots of staff arriving, prompty grab your stuff, and run towards the counter. oh darn. old people and small childern first? wait..my 9 year old can pass for 5 yeah? wait, why does first class get to board first? i got class i should be able to board!
When your approportate boarding time has arrivied, quickly shuffle into line, kindly passivly pushing your way into the line without ending up in the back of the line. do this like heared sheep in the countryside all going into the barn. give a loud sigh or a mild scof to the jackass who is trying to board but can't find thier ticket and is holding up the line. If there is a long line of people, wait with them. don't be like the slow-pokes that wait on the side until majorirty has boarded because the plane is just going to leave without them anyways.
when you finally got thru the gate, hurry up. walk fast, try and push thru those that are walking towards the plane as well..they will take up your overhead compartnet space! hurry hurry hurry!
When you get onto the plane, you should be greated by the attendents, and prompty find your seat. when you do, stop abrubtly, and reach for the overhead compartmnet. carefully lay your bag, jacket, shoppoing bags, and small bag into there and arrange it all nice and neatly, oh yeah and in a row so that your stuff won't have to share space with other bags. don't even constider letting other people thru on the plane. they will be just be taking away valuable time you can use to stow away your things.
If your flight opperates on the Southwest model, and there are no assigned seats. and that poor mother comes in with her little child and is late boarding because she was changing thier diper while the other little one was running around causing hovoc, don't offer to give up your nice window/asile seat next to your significant other because let's face it, the childern are clearly old enough to tough it out without mommy..i mena they are breathing by themsevles, right? or else the childern are just adults in disguise wanting to sit together and will morph into their full adult selves once they secure those seats next to each other.
When the food/snack cart comes, poke your head up like a little gopher or marcat. contuine doing so until they auctally come to you. you have to look like a eager little kid otherwise they will not serve you. Not in your seat? hurry and rush back. In you miss this opportunity to return to your seat, you will forever be stuck at the end of the isle and even worse (gasp) you may not get your drink/snack/meal that you paid for in your airline ticket.
They get to your row and oh no! they are serving the other row across from you first! how dare they! greedily stare at them as they may take the last (insert food/drink name here)! and then you'll starve to death!
Once you get your food, greedly stare at it and think "that's it?" and give it a look of disgust. Then eat it, savor it, quickly now! This is because you are starving eventhou you got some food in the airport terminal and this food, like the terminal food are both equally inediable and made from mysterious products. and don't forget to eat every last crumb. this is the last meal you will get--FOREVER, so savor it you greedy smuck. When you're finished, put everything away, and wait and wait forever for the attadents to come colllect your trash. Oh wait, you see---they have yet to finish distributing the food.
the end.
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